Im hurting and I dont know what to do. Its hard to know the right steps to heal oneself and have taken many wrong turns in this regard. Have we had good times? Narcissists view themselves with a "higher than thou" attitude, where they believe they are more special and deserving of things than others. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. I have no problem supporting him to a degree that is part of a partnership but it has been VERY one sided. You have an amazing insight and Gods wisdom! Kim & Steve have a blog page titled Because I Love You-Im Learning To Say No. Hi Julie, The response you mention is very common and this is why in the Love Safety Net Workbook we outline 4 areas with exercises that need to be worked on together. The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. Hi Kim It is very important that you put all of the steps in Back From the Looking Glass in place. Only through Gods grace can I continually forgive him over and over. But recently it has about chewed me up and spit me out. Ive now found myself again, and this website. What I have learned is that I can not control or make another person accountable for their action. Sincerely, Kim Avery. these epidsodes are down right ridiculous. Thank you Kim. He will never change, so the question is, are you willing and capable of putting all your dreams, goals and morals aside for a boyfriend. I cant redo what happened between us and he has no interest at all in making any changes in himself and obviously hes not interested in me anymore and Im wasting my time by trying. And even hope disappears into the sea blindness. To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. 2) When returning from you deployment you told me your ex-wife was coming to town and bring the kids so they could see you. I then drove 11 hrs to see you, and while there you had your car the entire time and I found out that your brother wasnt even working. My advice, run! He even said I love you so muchwhat? I thought that maybe I missed reading something. My hope and prayer is that this will help others as much as it helped me. Thanks everybody for sharing. But I cant call the police, or the doctor, or even the priest, and say my husband said hed call me but he didnt and he got mad at me when I expected him to be sorry about that or My husband laughed at my idea like it was ridiculous. I either need to do what I think is correct or if its something we need to speak about I will wait until things have calmed down. He expects respect. And if you know you are with a narcissist? Hi Butterfly and welcome! Like a fool I tried to withdraw the charges but the state took over and would not allow it. I wish my thinking was as clear as yours, but its not. I also wonder why you have chosen to avoid his affection in the past? I assume there are different degrees of narcissismand though my wife doesnt do some of the more egregious behaviors many of you are dealing with, she is a text-book narcissist in her inability to accept accountability or in any way see the world through eyes or perspectives other than her own. Its all a work In progress for me but its starting to calm things in my home and keeping myself calm already. After love-bombing you with future faking and a false . I told them he wasnt ready and needed to learn how to be a father and husband first. He puts on quite a show at times. For years I was unwilling for those kind of things to happen, he was accountable he did not do the blaming thing. Is the rapist a relative or stranger? He would feel bad for actions, shameful even and would replace, apologize or do what he could to help resolve the issue for me that hurt me. But now, we are looking at the possibility of him losing his business and losing out home. Thank you again. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. To shut down a narcissist, you have to be more prepared than . Hes so consumed in his own feelings he actually believes that I hurt him and he is suffering more than I could know, which gives him license to be mean(er). Holding a person accountable for what they did in the past is a waste of time and should be forgotten. I met my friend over 30 years ago. She was the kindest most loving, giving person I had ever been with.. until she wasnt anymore. While taking 60 days of total leave in a year and doing nothing. Your husband sounds EXACTLY like mine was. When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . He has his own rules that no one else knows about. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. He has broken up with me in the past when I denied his marriage request (didnt get what he wanted and didnt need me anymore), he appears to take me for granted now with money, and has this idea of our perfect future. Ive realized the times he/we are in therapy he is good but when the therapy is over it isnt long before he reverts back to his passive aggressive and non-relational ways. With his having to have things a certain way, hes cost the company money and possibly earned a reputationthat or the boss really does like him and is giving him more responsibilitywho knows, I just know the fall out of it all! Hi Hannah, Yes you are right it will not heal itself. What are they gonna do? Finally understanding that my relationship with my mother was actually a relationship with a narcissist was the key to the rest of my life. 6 Secrets The Narcissist Hopes You Never Learn - Thought Catalog Everything that goes wrong is always someone elses fault and no matter how logical you are, they will continue to twist and turn their way out of the argument, even if they have to swear the sky is green. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. Is it a good idea to just go and do my own stuff then in a non-confrontational manner? I know how painful this feels. 5) During that second move, you got mad at me again and watched my 11 year old daughter who had been on her feet for two days, with 4 hours of sleep and having a cold. I know he loves me , but somehow, he loves his pleasure and freedom more. I spoke with him last night and ofcourse he did not want to make a decision and was evasive and got angry. Per the Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library, narcissism is a personality disorder, and it's treatable. Unbelievable. Every couple of weeks to every few months of our whole relationship he has threatened to divorce me, but I finally decided to stop fighting it and to stop begging for forgiveness for all of the things that offend him. Hi Butterfly and welcome (-: I understand your feelings entirely but here on this blog we do try and leave the decision to stay or go up to peoples own hearts if only because it is one of the very few places people who dont want to separate can come to get help. Its always been his way or no way but I have been the bread winner for a very long time while he plays all the time and so with this it has given me strength to not let him bully me into anything i stand firm. 2) The reverse discard and the grey rock method. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? Your comment stuck with me. Ofcourse that did not go over well. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. I have been debating for the past 2 years on whether or not I will stay. We have to stop becoming fuel for these types of people. Later that day he comes home and tells me what a nice lady she is and he had a good conversation with herwait a minuteshe called him while he was busy at work, misinformed him saying it bounced, he gets all snappy with me and he calls her back all nice with an answer that I providedI feel like he is always the good guy with everyone else, never wants to look bad in front of anyone and yet I know the real him. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 and then again in 2007. I have found out who I am, what I need to do for me and to protect my children. Living With A Narcissist | Science 2.0 There is huge part of me that feels very used, as if we were just this family he created out of loneliness until something better came along, and now that he is on his way out, he has no concern at all for the pain that created for all of us. A lot of friends think he is amazing although a lot of friends see through him now. I say, no you are not going to change this. I know he is or will spread this lie about me because when I first met him, he said the same thing about his exWifehe lied about her and is gonna use the same lies on me?? 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. Vindictive narcissists are known to have a hard time letting go of anger and resentment, and may hold grudges against people for things that happened long ago. Sure they will probably still get angry when you use these kind of scripts, so you will need to play this carefully and use your own judgement. Understanding who I am will get me through the day . 9) You had messed up your credit so much that I suggested for you to file bankruptcy to get out from under your debt and start over. Im not proud of it, but wanted to post in case this might resonate with others out there After truly saying goodbye the hero role, Narcissists dont hold the same interest anymore. If you didnt know how to set the boundary back then, rubbing a persons face in it now is not going to do anything but make them resent you. If you respect yourself enough to stand up for your own interests this will earn others respect too. Forget Counselling..these people are great liars..I got Kims books..they do work. You had just gotten your tax return, which was plenty to cover the debt but when I asked you why you didnt use that, you said because you wanted to have money in the bank. How to Hold a Narcissist Accountable - The Love Safety net I will admit though, it is very hard not to slip back into old patterns, and the hardest of all, is that I still have strong feelings for him, its just about impossible not to after all those years, 5 kids and so many shared experiences, not all of which were bad. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. I have become physically ill from this(lungs). My problem is as much as we want to move on, we cant because he wont stop contacting us, harassing myself and the kids and we have no protection. When i got my head together, i never respected a damn thing about this type of person, and found them to be utterly repulsive and pathetic. I thought at first that he was as frightened as I was, but now I feel he is angry I lived. This meant I would not be able to see you for several days after you got back after you being gone for a year. Well things have obviously been pretty delicate since then and Im keeping a healthy distance but we have in the last few months been repairing our relationship. I use to think it was all me, if only I would change, and of course he helped by saying I was right. But I cannot pretend things r ok when I am not seeing them ok. Holding narcissists ACCOUNTABLE: the DARVO method - YouTube Ronda Dee. Did I catch it from him? I am soooo sick and tired of him by the weekend after hes been a jerk half the week for apologising yes apologising for being a jerk and defending himself at what a tough week its been and hes sorry only for him to do it again. I have two kids by her.. Everything is my fault.. Idk if the meds are real or not.. She dont take responsibility, or account. Sometimes you just have to say enough is enough and let them go. Some days I am so glad that he is gone I could scream others days I really miss his presence not him. I am over him but we have 3 kids and he has created a life of hell for all of us. Everything that has been stated here is exactly what Ive been through. We still have a ways to to but I just cant believe how different things are with us now. This keeps the people that are suing him, unable to take his business.Im scared to death to put my name on a business that he has any control over! Many rapes occur repeatedly and by family members and even if exposed the victim is not believed. Man, I dont know how anyone believes they can make a mistake and refuses to own it like my friend thinks. Right now we are working on trust, and honesty to build that trust. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. I know he will never agree to have his check deposited into my account. I told him if he didnt want to make a decision then I would have to make one on my own and told him that I felt it is best to seperate our finances completely and that in order to do so he would have to get his own place to live once he comes back home. Please! Being home is so draining. Whats sad.my 9 year old is already showing narcissistic tendencies. Your last comment to me when I told you I was giving up on this relationship was. The love-bombing stage is over. My head understands that his efforts and love were nothing but manipulation. I arranged that myself. And of course its all my fault! Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. Hi to everyone who has written in, this has to one of the very best blogs ever. 2. That is why I am ending the relationship. They strike back hard to try to save their own self or credibility. Hey Kim! Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. Unfortunately, my marriage held no hope. So, I think who am I hurting? God bless you all. We had a huge fight the other night have not really spoken in 3 days. He is no longer abusive towards me and he is learning to control his emotions. Sometimes we could go for months without one good day. to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. No amount of behavioural changes will alter that brain function however if the N person needs you in their life I think you will be able to make the relationship work by managing the impact of their cognitive disability on your self.